I love days when it feels easy to find beauty in everything
I am aware that I have a good amount of followers on this site - but I feel like it is still a place I can go, to be unseen and invisible. Not that I need to feel that way, but sometimes it is less complicated and feels like a safe haven to have a place to go. Even if it’s positive thoughts and remarks on what is happening in my life, or if it’s the not-so-pretty parts.
I’ve got a girlfriend. None of you really know me, so you probably don’t care, or aren’t shocked by this news, but it’s shocking in my life. The people I thought would react positively to this news are the ones I felt were less than enthusiastic.
My mother, for example, a gay woman herself, married to another woman. I didn’t expect her to throw me a party with a cake that read ‘welcome to the club’, but I told her, and she simply changed the subject. I’ve asked her to meet my girlfriend multiple times over the past two months, and my mother’s response is “I’ll meet her when it’s the right time”. Which may not seem like a negative response to most - but coming from my mother, that is her way of passively putting off something she has no interest in doing.
Or my best friend - or who I considered to be. She knew from the getco of us being friends that identify as straight (I’m pan) but she had never been my friend while I had dated a woman. When I told her that I initially started talking to my (now) girlfriend, her response was “I won’t say I don’t support this decision but don’t mind me if I don’t get behind this immediately”. She knew nothing about this girl, didn’t know her name, what she looked like, nothing. And that was the response I received. After our first date, I told my best friend how romantic it was, how she cooked me dinner and bought me flowers and chocolate-covered strawberries, and how she slow danced with me in the kitchen. Even reading the texts back, you can see how smitten I was (and am), yet her response was “give it time and we’ll see how it goes and if it lasts”. And when I told her we got into a relationship, she said “well….whatever makes you happy, but I just don’t see it going well.” Again - never had a conversation with my girlfriend before. I think it genuinely hurt our friendship because I can’t tell her freely about one of the happiest aspects of my life.
So here I am, sharing with you, the people of Tumblr. I’ll act as if you are the two people in my life who should be backing me up the most.
This relationship is good. So good. It’s by far the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. She buys me flowers often for my bedroom, so I always see something beautiful when waking up. She bought a mattress pad and new bedding when I was grumpy one day on the phone after waking up from a night of bad sleep. She didn’t laugh at me when the first date, I made her pinky promise me something - but instead ran with it and made pinky promises a thing we did. So much so, that when she asked me to make things official, she wrote me a poem about all of the things she pinky promises to do in our relationship, and gave me a small necklace with a pinky promise on it. She goes out of her way to make sure I am happy. She will wake up before me on days she has off from work and will make coffee & cook me breakfast, and bring it to me while I’m in bed. She tells me often how beautiful she thinks I am, and tells me that she’s going to marry me one day. She’ll try things she knows she won’t like, and do things she hates because she knows it’s something I enjoy and my happiness and joy is something that she holds high. She’s eager to introduce me to everyone - friends, family, coworkers, etc., so I can be as immersed in her life as possible. She pays attention to things I mention I like in passing and surprises me with them later. She wipes my tears and kisses my forehead and holds me when I’m crying about something silly or having a panic attack about something else. She puts all of her trust in me and reassures me consistently that she only has eyes for me. I told her that I sleep better when I’m next to her, so she stays the night, even though it adds an extra hour for her to get to and from work the following day.
I could keep going on and on and on about how incredible she is. And I probably would, if I felt like people were listening. But instead, I’ll hold those other pieces near and dear to my heart, and post this sad little diary entry.
And for anyone who may have made it this far - thank you. You made it further than anyone close to me has. <3
